I’ve been searching for something for what seems like an eternity. The struggle to carry on the search when you haven’t had a sign it still exists is making me cynical. The cynicism is further supported by the fact that the very same thing, albeit in a different form, that others have searched for and found have been proven to be fraudulent.
Vague. Ambigious. Extraneous. Let me start again.
Imagine searching for a life partner and nobody is coming close to what you expect, part of the reason you still have hope is that those close to you have life partners but they too don’t meet expectations. Where’s the role models? Where’s the template? Where’s the guide? The female race is turning me into a cynical individual.
I genuinely have tried to keep my morals intact but the longer this goes on the more I get sidetracked. I’m not content with searching anymore and I’m definitely not content with messing around. I had more than my fair share of fun, I’ve probably even stolen a few people’s fun and I’m not proud but at least I’m honest.
The women of today are more likely to ask you “How come you never like my Instagram pictures?” than “How come you don’t like the Conservatives?”. Everything seems so shallow, I analyse everything, from the friends you keep to the way you conduct yourself with other men. How can you let your friend do this and say nothing? Why did you let him say that to you? Many things to me are unacceptable and I rarely sway from that way of thinking. I’ve seen too many people accept unacceptable things and they have paid for it later in life, I would be a fool to be in the same boat. With all that said, at the back of my head I still believe I will find a good woman, the beautiful hypocrisy of it is that an acceptable girl in my eyes would deem much of my behaviour as unacceptable.
My saving grace is that I see myself as a conscious hypocrite, far better than a common hypocrite.
Who I am is dependant on who you are. As bad as that sounds that is the truth. I wouldn’t treat an intelligent respectful girl in the same way I would treat an unintelligent classless girl, that in itself doesn’t seem too bad but when you factor in that I may pay them equal attention it doesn’t shine a great light on myself. I say I want x type of girl but I am wasting my time with y type of girl, yes, yes I know I’m a hypocrite but I’m fully aware of my flaws in this area.
I have no commitment issues, I communicate, I’m thoughtful but I’m tired of the search and find myself having fun rather than staying on track. I like playing Xbox but I love writing, I spend more time playing games than writing though. It takes me a while to get into writing but once I submerge myself into it I give it my all and the end result is beautiful in its own right. The problem lies in the buildup to push myself to write, in that time I’ll end up playing Xbox, the end result is always unproductive. Give me hope that my writing will flourish into a book or my hands will be forever occupied by a control pad instead of a pen. Two very different pleasures but pleasures nonetheless, I know I’m wrong but maybe I need a little help to keep me on the right track.
Was I convincing? I convinced myself and that’s what matters, right?
The conscious hypocrite